dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
