i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
