well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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