The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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