apparently the secret to your success is patron
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
