Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
