i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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