and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
