Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
