i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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