My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
