I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
