I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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