all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
