I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
