where am i from again
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
