I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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