I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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