actually, I'm a sock model
I think my fart just growled at me.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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