There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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