The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you would pick up someone in the library
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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