I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
