You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
