I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
