does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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