My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
