the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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