she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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