i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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