he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
