I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Rumble strips road head = magical
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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