i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
