I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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