Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
