last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
