ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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