She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
