Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
