Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize