Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
