Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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