so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
