You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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