my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
