Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
