I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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