So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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