You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
