Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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