I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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