We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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