I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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