so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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