I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
