I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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