Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
