He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Sober January is a disaster.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
