Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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