her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
